Thursday, June 26, 2008

I need to open my eyes

Ok, that was a very emotional post. I just needed to get something off of my chest. Couldn't shake it, plus I was out. So I headed to the nearest cybercafe and started blogging my heart out.

I'm better this morning. I woke up thinking about what happened last night and everything. I really wanna share this with everyone.

If you've ever had sex, you'd be surprised how deep another person can get into your soul. For it's true when people say that the very act itself can penetrate into your soul and it connects you with your significant.

I was taught in church, that when you have sex your souls reach out to each other and connect in a most divine state. I felt that once, when I slept with my lover.

However that was 2 years ago. Now I'm lonely and depressed. And do ridiculously stupid stuff that never makes anything better. And yes, I've tried praying but it doesn't help much. I can't find the peace.

Every time that I reach the lowest point of my life. I drink till I'm drunk and get laid (with one of my ex'). You must know that when this happens, I'm not me. When I'm low I become this aggressive wild chic who's absolutely game for anything. Probably the strong side coming out to put up a wall of defense. After a while, I'll get bored of it and fall back into my happy, blur personality.

Anyways last night

I slept with one of my ex'. This time however, half way through I started thinking about everything. What I was doing and after that, for all the times I open my eyes, I hope to see my Monkey Man that I love (we dated 6 months ago and I fell in love with him. No we didn't sleep together) . But it wasn't Monkey Man. It was the ex. And it kept going that way until I couldn't take it anymore and I broke down.

I broke down cause I suddenly felt so hurt. I was shaking and crying so bad.
Went out and took a drive. Eventually got into the cybercafe and blogged.

I loved him and he left cause he said that I'm too good for him. I still can't face that as a fact cause it was the same thing that one of my lovers said to me 2 years ago.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

-Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy-


Shad said...

gahhh...this post really hit me like a brick. it's so true. like your previous post, it's better to not have loved in the first place..sigh

David said...

I feel you.I know exactly how you feel

Alexis-Marie said...

Thanks for understand guys. It means a lot to me.

terrence said...

love really hurt sometimes but always remember its the lover and not the love that cause us pain!

I had my share of a broken heart and almost cause me my life, but then life is created out of love!

good luck to the both of us!

Simon Ho said...

it is really emo but at the same time very true if you think of it thoroughly.

i've had my fair share of such experiences as well and it took me quite a long time to stand back up again. every break up that i had was a painful one. the memories and all.

this post is something that most people can actually relate to as it's something very real.

Alexis-Marie said...

hey terrence

Good Luck to us Both. haha. I don't know about you, but life is such a bitch sometimes. So yeah. GOOD LUCK!

Alexis-Marie said...

Hi Simon,

Yeah that's exactly what shad says. It is a real post.

Ya know.. there's this gadget on Eureka, where you can just erase peoples memories from a certain time and all. Wish I could take that and do it on me.

hahaha. that's the easy way out isn't it.

BillyWarhol said...

I needed to Open mine cuz I just Noticed the Cheezeburger on yer Head!! Too Funny********

U have some Wise Insights Alexis-Marie*

;)) Peace*

SinSecret said...

Hey there. Just so you know, I got your question and I'm doing my best to get you a good answer. I'm a bit there with you, so I'm not going to forget about it.
Would you prefer me to only send you the answer, or is it okay if I put it on my blog (w/o your name of course)? It's entirely up to you either way.

Good luck to you.

Alexis-Marie said...

Hi Billywarhol

Muahahaha... Leave the hat alone. It never did anything to hurt you. :P You hurt its feelings.

But don't worry.. I love it. And know how to comfort it.

Thanks for the compliment. I never thought myself as wise. :P Usually save that word for the PhD holders with white hair and beards :P

And just to let you know.. I get my ideas from my thinking hat. Yes the cheeseburger. haha

Alexis-Marie said...

Sin Secret.. :D
I'm so glad you replied

I feel that you should blog about it.
Cause I believe that if people could understand the whole situation, the would be able to learn from it. Maybe some could even help themselves :)

I don't mind you putting my name there or linking it to my blog.. It's cool with me.

I just need answers. I really need the answers.

And thanks so much for helping. I can't talk about this to my friends.It's taboo in asian society and well.. they can't keep secrets :P

Thanks so much. Really appreciate it.